Want A Tan??

So, I went to my ENT the other day to have my tube checked... everything is good. I noticed the nurse had a nice tan and I asked her if she'd been away on vacation. She said, "No it's a spray on self-tanner." I couldn't believe it b/c it looked good and real- it wasn't all splotchy (is that even a word??)and it wasn't orange looking either. She told me that she got it from the store and sprayed it on herself- super easy, she said. What a BIG FAT LIE! A few years ago I decided to stop tanning in the sun because of the potential harm it causes on skin and the risk of cancer. I do love a nice tan though, so ff to Target I went, greatly desiring to rid myself of this washed out, toothpaste hue that I've been carrying around since last April when Genevieve was born. I searched the shelves high and low and couldn't find it- I almost left w/o it, but one more pass down the sunscreen/lotion aisle for the inner, tanned, goddess inside me... Voila! I found it. I carefully compared brands and finally chose one. I couldn't wait to get home and try it out. It seemed easy enough: open can, spray on, let it dry, and emerge from the bathroom all bronze and summery looking. I did what it said and let it dry before putting my clothes back on too (just like the bottle said). Off to sleep. I awoke in the morning resembling something like a cross between a zebra and a giraffe. Zebra b/c of the striped appearance covering my arms and calves and giraffed b/c of the organe/brown color mixed with the natural, pasty, white that I already had. It was BAD! I called Andy and asked him to look up remedies for bad self-tan disasters.... he said to exfoliate using baking soda. I exfoliated all right... baking soda and two other exfoliating lotions that I had. Then I was red mixed with my organge/brown and white. It did help some on my arms and I just wore pants to cover my legs. Then next day came and I decided that I may be able to "even out my legs". Mistake #2! Now my legs and feet have some REALLY dark spots and the white spots are only a little darker. My feet look like something rusted on them. The bottoms too, because I must have stepped in the overspray on my floor and they are stained beyond belief. Emma looked at them today and said, "Mama, why are your whole feet orange?" Then she ran over to my vanity and grabbed a pumice stone and said, "Here, let me get that off for you." She's too cute!! Today I took Emma bowling with a homeschool group. It was in the upper 70's and I would've worn shorts, but not w/ these legs. I wore longer cropped pants and ankle socks- what a sight, but it covered the worst part of my feet and legs and I don't think people could really notice. I've decided to leave well enough alone and just keep exfoliating until this nightmare is over. The point of the story: Either be pasty or get out in the sun, but don't fall for the lie of the lady in your doctor's office who says to use the EASY spray on tanner.